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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels
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September 2009
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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels [userpic]

The terror has subsided, subsumed back beneath some intangible surface I cannot see through. And yesterday's terror was just in seeing it - not in actually doing it - like the slightest hint of something, a scent, a word, can trigger trauma flashbacks... So - out of sight, out of mind, and good riddance.

Painted for a little less than an hour today. It was a good time. Think may invite myself down again to paint tomorrow. Am free a while in the afternoon. For reasons entirely my own, I am very glad I got to work on this show (albeit in a singularly belated fashion). I hope I can help it get done. I hope I make at least a little bit of the difference.

Had a weird dream last night - don't remember most of it, but I was guarding some kind of resistance military complex and a few people tried to come in, and I was like 'no, go away', and then these two people showed up in this really old beater of some sort and they were like "We're just gonna go in and take care of this thing we need to do and then we'll just leave" - trying to make me think that (a) they could tell me what to do or (b) they weren't worth my time or (c) they would do whatever they damn well pleased anyway, and I was just like "Um, no. Um, NO." And I was willing to take them on if necessary. And I wasn't nervous, and I wasn't looking for something to happen so I wouldn't have to deal with them. I was ready.

Six months ago, I would never have (quite literally) even dreamed of doing that or being able to do that.

And very little introspection whatsoever has revealed that this is probably due almost exclusively to the amount of time I have spent in that six months playing Savage Worlds. I've known for ages that I know how to be a bitch. But I have completely forgotten - indeed, I hardly understood to begin with - how to be a badass.

And I haven't had my original badass framework to work out of for years. So.

Current Mood: sickheadache

Yay, Lucy said "bitch".

That aside. Becoming badass, even becoming assertive is a gradual, slow-drip thing to teach oneself, if one happens to be meek. For years, I didn't even get angry at other people. I would just get angry at myself and feel sad, and vulnerable. That had to go.

I commend you.

By painting, do you mean set painting, or painting pictures?

Hahaha! Glad you enjoyed ;)

I started out shy. Somewhere along the line I found out that some people do like me, and I got a bit less shy. Then they taught me how to march and then I was a badass (albeit a markedly sweet and gentle one.)

Then I somehow got onto entitlement, and cross-bred it with searing cynicism, and found vast vines of bitchery everywhere, and THAT made me dislike myself even MORE. I had to train myself to get rid of them.

And it started me back at square one. So I'm glad to be moving through the progression a bit more quickly, and hope I can hang out here for a while. :p

I was set-painting. Nothing terribly difficult even, just making stuff blue. It was a good time. :)