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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels
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September 2009
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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels [userpic]

I have thought at times over the past while that it wasn't possible to get any more buzzingly alive than I was at the moment. But it keeps happening. I love more, I know more, I dream more.

In conjunction with the BME discussion, Doc suggested I pursue composition. When someone says something I see all the things they could possibly have meant, but with some people, I feel comfortable assuming that they *did* mean the things I think they could have meant - in their words and in their lives. He told me no dream was too big. ... I am losing some of the meaning, now, but maybe he wonders what he could have done if he had let himself dream as big as he could.

But I knew that already. I want to change the world. Nothing less.

If qcjeph can do something as unlikely as making a living drawing a webcomic, why couldn't I change the world?

Anyway, we talked about the rest of my life and I realized - and almost immediately said - I don't think I'm ready for grad school yet. M. Div. and MTS are two entirely different things. And MA Comp is even more differenter. I know I'm ready intellectually; I know I'd be close to on-par academically. But I'm just not ready. And I'm certainly not ready for undiluted Real Life. I don't feel like I'm done here, and now this idea that seems completely obvious, the piece that looks like it would fit perfectly into all the puzzle-edges around it, has been thrown onto the table.

Please ... pray some discernment for me. I have already invented a sterling beautiful little scenario for next year, but that's all that thought I've spent on what could be and not what should be.

Drove home tonight through Columbia - dropped off library books and went by VG but it was CLOSED. WTF. Stopped by at the Wal-Mart in Osage Beach, as I am wont to do; found a few excellent Christmas items and stood in the parking lot for about 15 minutes to watch the moon set.

And now am home. Was so hopped up I went and ran up and down the street before bringing in my last load for the evening. As those of you who are wont to run around for fun and profit know: Physical activity actually makes you MORE energetic. So that kinda didn't work, but it at least leveled me out a bit and made me a bit less jumpy.

Think I might finally be able to go to sleep now. Think I might go give it a shot.


Merry Christmas, everyone.

Current Music: I Don't Know What It Is - RW (in head)