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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels
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September 2009
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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels [userpic]

Sr. Caire retired, or got reappointed, or whatever it is headmistresses do.

The vtour is sort of surreal. There are now things named after people that I remember seeing when I was small (if ever I can be said to have been small.)

There is a weird fizzing in the back of my heart.

Now I am an opera fellow and a past field commander and member of a drum corps and now I am a marching fool and now I love music and philosophy. Now people like me (to my continuing astonishment) and I like them.

And I hum songs I have not heard for ten years, and I remember smells I have not smelled for ten years, and I see when I close my eyes all the places I have ever loved.

Then I was the shy girl who hung out with the guys, who was thoroughly pained to never quite be cool, to never quite fit in, but who felt a pull she didn't quite understand when she looked at the plaque over the entrance to Rauch Memorial: My heart shall abide here, and knew that she would not see it again for a very long time.

Now I am different. Pilgrimages come in many forms: where we go and who we are when we are there. It was asked "How do we know when a retreat becomes a prison?" How do we know whether the road we are on is where we are supposed to be?