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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels
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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels [userpic]
we-ard (with an a)


I like a guy who actually is 100% worth liking (so far as I know). People tell me that it would appear that he likes me too. I know we are friends, anyway, at least in that two-months-of-camp kind of way. We have hung out over many 24's and I was somewhat dismayed (okay, I was really frickin' bummed) that this one, our next-to-last one of the summer (of forever?), would not be spent hanging out together.

(Though it is kind of nice to be by myself.)

But I am not giggly and silly and glowy. I'm just nervous. And being just nervous makes me just anxious. I want to want what God wants, but I still really really just want this one thing among many other things I make myself believe I want. I have let my hopes spiral out of control again but I still try to hold them back because it won't work out and this is too good to ever come true and it's wrong of you to want this so much, God didn't tell you to want this are screaming in the back of my mind. Well, and the front. Heck, the whole thing.

Talking to him is like talking to a different version of myself. I don't think I have ever met anyone I could communicate with so effortlessly. He knows things that I do not know and I know things that he does not know. He smells good. He goes to school in Dubuque (how random is that??) in a college with two buildings - one is new and one used to be a monastery. He wanders around churches and finds random crypts and things (which really makes me want to go to Dbq. just to wander around said church.) When Dusty miscounts the spaghetti sauce and Erin arbitrarily decides that we're not even going to try making more food and Melissa's flirting and I want to scream, I wander over to the counter and stare at B3 for a while and things seem a bit better.

And I cannot shut up that little voice that says all those things.

Current Mood: nuts
Current Music: I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...

Why do you think God wouldn't want you to want this? Is there anything that tells you this wouldn't be a good idea, or are you making yourself anxious? Are you nervous because this boy seems like a real possibility? Does he give you a bad vibe? It seems like you're approaching this thing in an adult way: we have these things in common, I like to spend time with him, I'm sad without him--er, not to take the fun out of it; it just seems like you're approaching this with a mixture of level-headedness and deep feeling, and that's got to be a prescription for success, doesn't it? (Er, though my experience with these things is...well, you know). It sounds to me, from what you say, that this boy is worth a chance, and that you really like him. You deserve to have a nice boyfriend and it's okay to want things, y'know? Obviously, I am no expert on what God would want for you, but my question would be--why wouldn't he want that for you?

Fortunately, you don't have to marry B3 tomorrow, or else things could get really hairy, but I hope you decide to pursue your friendship with him, because I think you would get a really big kick out of touring old church crypts.

Night, homepickle. Welcome back to cyberspace.

You make me smile. :)

I feel like I know how to change the world as a scholar, but not as a mother. Though mothers do invariably change the world, if only for a few people. Many people have pointed out that these two things are not incompatible, and to that I have no response. Hmm.

I think mostly I am nervous because I don't know what to expect (hmm... sound familiar?) I have no reason to believe it won't work but I have no reason to believe it will, and I've let myself jump to conclusions, and I *hate* that, because it seems that when I jump to conclusions they often don't work out the way I want them to - I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment even though there's no particular basis for that other than my own neurosis.

No bad vibes except the ones I'm inventing. :P One voice says "Do you *really* think someone would like you?" and then the other says "You don't even know that he *does* like you, or ever will!"

I think maybe I am more nervous about being disappointed (again) than anything else. It would be awesome if we could sit down and discuss this (like all about why I'm nervous) but again...he's not done anything to make me think I have any reason to *be* nervous. Perhaps he actually digs short Asian chicks with no boobs and just wants to be friends.


why wouldn't he want that for you?
Maybe it's just not what I'm supposed to do. ::pulls hair:: I don't know. :/

My lower extremities have fallen asleep.

I found my diary from grade school, and not only was I embarrassingly randy (can I just say that I got more play in sixth grade than I have gotten since? Jesus), but I also found multiple entries on the same topic: why can't there be a machine that could tell you if someone liked you or not? My 11-year-old self never resolved this. Nine years later, I still think it's a great idea. Unfortunately, I had no solution then, as now, for neuroses, except to recognize them as such, and not to let them destroy a good thing.

It's funny what you say about mothers and scholars--I had always thought it was "easier" to change the world as a mother. But maybe you could settle for changing the world as both, hmm? At the very least, have a baby so I can knit things for it.

I'm going to knit you a pair of socks, homeslice. I still have to finish my dad's, so it'll be awhile, but I found some yarn at the store that I think you'll like.

Re: My lower extremities have fallen asleep.


Eventually, in some way, I think it shall happen.

Binary thinking always makes me crabby. The options (as I always say) are virtually endless.

Random: I realized this afternoon how comfortable I have gotten with being a really lousy person.

Re: My lower extremities have fallen asleep.

Second that on binary thinking.

>>Random: I realized this afternoon how comfortable I have gotten with being a really lousy person.>>

Explain, m'dear?

Re: My lower extremities have fallen asleep.


I think I probably meant that I was quite good at being petty and self-serving - I was willing to slide back into it not because it was better or even easier than what I was learning, but just because that was what I was used to.

Or I might have meant something completely else. Who knows.

in vigorous agreement with <lj user="the_bolter">

although in my own words....

God didn't tell you to want this

Is there only one place God can talk to you? If it's not written in a particular book "by the way, I'd like you to go on a date with Bob Snow tonight" or on a particular bulletin board..... doesn't mean "God didn't tell you to" :)

Btw.... have you seen any episodes of the show "Joan of Arcadia"? I keep waiting for it to turn into something that really annoys me and so far it hasn't... what makes that question relevant to this is that.... sometimes I don't think it's always clear to us exactly what God is asking of us at at any one particular moment. And very rarely is the 'why' clear right at the beginning :) (It's kind of one of the reasons he's God and we're us :)

But caring about what God's input might be _is_ very positive. It's important to be open, to listen.

1 Kings 19:11-13 :)

We're not plants. We need more than a little sun and water to grow. We need... experiences.... We need situations in which we will make decisions. If God didn't think forging who we were through making decisions wasn't important, I suspect he might not have bothered with this whole free will things :) And making decisions often means finding oneself in places where things are confusing and scary. There's a lot of people who want to think that if by definition, if you're feeling confused or scared you must have somehow wandered somewhere God wouldn't want you to be. But sometimes where you're supposed to be in a particular moment is _exactly_ there.... so you can get that practice listening for His voice from there :)

There, that's my mumbleramble for this morning :)


Is there only one place God can talk to you?
Absolutely not - I've never believed that. God has spoken through friends, through random occurences, once even (though I fear the right-wing smite for suggesting this) through a tarot reading. (I didn't understand at the time, but in retrospect it makes much more sense.)

I have not seen Joan of Arcadia though my sister & mom are quite fond of it - we probably have some taped eps laying about, and I will have to investigate them.

I think I need to learn how to relax my thinking so that I quit expecting direct, clear instructions and learn how to make sense of subtle gestures and quiet hints. Or, failing that, I need to pray to increase my faith and stop worrying about it so dingdang much. :/

Your mumbleramble was (at risk of overintellectualizing) quite enlightening. Thank you :)

...I want to choose at all times to follow God's will and do God's work, and sometimes in this situation I feel like I'm getting distracted from that (but maybe this *is* God's will and work). That is why I am nervous.

On the other hand, it seems quite ridiculous to believe that I am capable of thwarting the plan of God. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to miss it. I don't trust myself to know the good thing when I see it. I'm afraid that if I don't follow perfectly and exactly, nothing will turn out right. I'm strung out somewhere between living joyfully in free will and living joyfully in surrender and I don't know which way to lean. Perhaps *that* is why I am *really* nervous.

Re: cogitations

the thing about God is that he lets us make our own choices - this whole free will thing combined with the fact that we will never know for sure what he wants of us, except some feeling we get which might in the end just be our imagination. many people think they've heard God's own voice giving them instructions, but we'll never really know. the only things we know are the guidelines written down thousands and thousands of years ago for another people and another culture. so, our choice is to go with what we feel is right based on what we know of God, and pray that that is what he wants. luckily, there's this whole forgiveness thing that also goes along with that deal. ;)

Re: cogitations

regarding- "right wing smite"
to quote dr. hauerwas "the christian right is neither christian, nor right."

i mean. if he said it- i'm sure its law... otherwise i've just wasted a shit-ton of money and three years of my life ;)

Re: cogitations

hey, i was at camp when that was written ... my concern was real ;)

Many years later,

upon rereading your comment ... I wish it had made as much crystal clear sense then as it does now.

(Though if it made that much sense then it probably wouldn't now ... if THAT makes sense.)

Re: Many years later,

hehe. life's like that, isn't it? :)

He sounds wonderful, and I wish you luck in pursuing something with him, and in just taking it easy! (This is the one who was formerly the damned Y, but the way, I finally created a new screen name so that I can post publicly again, without certain people knowing my name)

just taking it easy!

Indeed, there's the rub.

Shall I friend your new alt?

Please do :)

read a great quote from the DNC this past weekend (kerry quoting lincoln) saying "let's not be so arrogant as to say God is on our side. let's instead pray earnestly that we are on God's side." as for hearing from the Big Guy, i'm often just sheerly amazed that He cares enough about our path and our process to send us Holy Spirit blips now and again. God is often constructed as a Big Picture kind of thinker. And while making the universe is pretty Big Picture, His ever-present (and often humorous) little chuckles and pokes when i can manage to listen right are more than humbling. anyway, just my 2cents.

"...let's instead pray earnestly that we are on God's side."

Yeah... a wise man this past week pointed me towards Psalm 37. Verse 4 says "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Thanks for the 2 cents. :)

for all of this

There's this really great band called "The Early November." They're nothing but a whiny emo band, but they sound pretty. I referenced a lyric, not because it has much to do with your situation--like any good emo band, "For all of this" is some whining about breaking up--but because it sounds pretty. Someday when you and I collide again I will sit you down and make you listen to it, along with the whole album.

The full lyrics to the song are

these eyes they're strongly covered in disguise
they're waiting on the real time again
you'll see that no one knows for sure

for all of this
i'm better off without you
do you regret so
your loneliness

this ride is drifting slowely to the side
we're swerving off the road
going past the cones that warned us from the start

for all of this
i'm better off without you
do you regret so
your loneliness

(everyday goes, everynight goes)
on and on we sing this song
the entire day thats oh so long
every night we sing this song for you

for all of this
i'm better off without you
do you regret so
your loneliness

for all of this
i'm better off without you
do you regret so
your loneliness

Now needless to say, this song has nothing to do with your situation. But I guess I should probably say something about your boy-thing. Having been on both sides of the equation, I feel like I could offer you a different perspective.

And the main thing I want to say is chill. You met a nice boy. He probably likes you. Cool. Maybe you'll see him again soon, maybe you won't. Meh. I realize God is extremely important in your life. As is your scholarly work, and this whole mother-thing going on. But you're not near any of that yet with this guy, unless you've mis-stated the situation in your initial reaction.

And also, chill out about the God thing. I hate to be blunt, but God probably won't smite you for liking a boy, and maybe even hanging out with him. The paths God lays out for individuals are manifold, and probably have some detours in them. Although I keep getting this great image of you going sitting on a park bench with said boy late at night. The two of you are starting to have one of those great conversations that people are capable of having. And then there's a daemonic little angel fluttering behind you while it pokes the back of your neck with a stick and whispers, "Smiting! Smiting! Are you on God's path?" I highly suggest you treat the naggard for what it is and give it a good flick.

And about giving into God: You're going to mess up. I've done it, you've done it. But it's ocol if you do. God didn't want you perfect, and as far as deities go in major religions, I feel like we've got a pretty chill one. So when you mess up, life will go on. God isn't big on smiting people who surrender their will and lives to religious service. So the next time the voice you can't shut up say something, let it talk.
Then give it an earful:

You are following God's will.
You love God.
You know you make mistakes, but it doesn't matter.
God is bigger than your mistakes.
God loves you, and wants you to be happy. God even sends a nice boy your way every once in a while.
God probably thinks it's really funny that he sent you a gift and you have no idea what to do with it.

Anyway, that's just what I think. The song sort of ties in this way that the guy in the song is basically ready to let things go. He's willing to let things go on, and while I realize there's some tension in that statement--because if he's moved on, why the hell would he sing this song?--but let's lay that aside for the moment. I want you to sing this song to your voice that won't go away. Because you're better off without it. Fretting your soul about whether or not you are following God's will won't make you magically follow God's will. Thinking about it might, but you're not thinking about what God's will is. You're not actively using your mind to search for solutions. You're fretting, ripping tiny holes in your soul, your confidence, and your faith. And that just makes the fabric weaker.

So, to be brief. God's chill. Follow the example. Chill.

I'll send you the mp3.


Re: for all of this

He agreed wholeheartedly with the "David" fellow. In fact, he wished he could have said everything just said himself, so as to appear the wise prophet.

Such was not to be; Richard's role was to be that of kingmaker.

David would make an excellent king, given that train of thought.

Re: for all of this

This comment merits deeper reading than the 30 seconds I have to allot to it, and I will return to it when I can spend 30 minutes (or more). In the meantime, I wish to take this opportunity to tell you that I love you a lot and you rock my socks.

<3 <3 <3

Re: for all of this

We had some discussion about a week ago about God not being able to lead you - change your direction - until you start moving. It is something worth remembering.

I think I need to make a list of all the things I have learned this summer. And possibly also where I learned them.

I <3 you lots. In case I haven't told you lately. I may have to swing by Grinnell sometime quasi-on-the-way to Dubuque...

Er, it appears that I did. Well, I still do. :)