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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels
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September 2009
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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels [userpic]
entry for the past few days

If it's been a hot day, the Con still smells exactly the way it did the first time I ever walked into it more than three years ago. And when I come back years and years from now, it'll probably still smell exactly the way it does now.

I went to the visitation - got there late - they were already through with two deacots of the Rosary, but I started at 7:30 (while I was driving) and I got done with the whole darn thing before I even made it to Glasgow. They must not have gone to ASH. ;) And I guessed that it would be the Glorious Mysteries, and I was right.

After the service I kinda just lurked around for everyone to leave, and finally they did, and I went and I thought Tiffany was kidding when she said they were going to bury him in his jacket with the sleeves pushed up, but I guess she wasn't. And I read this poem Sarah wrote, and I saw their wedding picture (Janeen had long hair! and was so cute.) And then it finally hit me, and I let it hit me, and it still doesn't seem real but perhaps when I wake up in the morning it will. Or tomorrow morning, or a week from now. I finally realized the pain. I mean, I made it mine. Which is sort of a relief. It was weird to live on the fringes of someone else's nightmare. Not knowing really where I was headed, I walked down and looked at the river in the sunset. It was lovely. If I have a choice, when I grow up, I will never live in a town that doesn't have a river.

My heart hurts for Janeen, and his kids, and his students, and his colleagues. But wives become widows, children lose parents, teachers die every day. Most especially my heart hurts for Tiffany, because she has lost a relationship the likes of which I will probably never experience. To lose a coworker, a mentor, a second father, a friend all at once? I can't even imagine it. And yes, I tried.

Friday... that was so weird. I had never seen Tiffany cry before. We hiked around campus. I had gone to see Debbie about my timesheet earlier and LeAnn's was on top of the stack with a note on it about how to pay the extra hours and I looked at it and went ... whoah. Tiffany had to go to the Learning Center to get hers. Took it upstairs to get it signed - Dillingham was the only one around; he uttered some comforting platitudes (was reminded of you, Bolter - which I believe I told you when I took expos. with him). Went to the biz office (er, I think we did, anyway).

And then went to find Wally so he could unlock the theatre and the offices, 'cos Tiffany was going to sort out some of his stuff, and we sat on the stage, and

More of this story will be written later, perhaps.

I was going to kip in the SAI room tonight but Brad pointed out to Megnn that she had an entire huge rez. hall of rooms at her disposal, so I'll probably be in Holt instead. Which is a small bummer 'cos I was psyched to sleep in the SAI room, but it'd probably be weird city when I woke up in the morning.

In the morning: see Kent, pick up check, take keys to Christal.

And I think there was something else too.

After the funeral I want to go eat at the drugstore with the soda fountain. (if i feel like eating...)

And then I need to go to Columbia to deposit my check and maybe BUY CUTE SHOES.

And this is still all very weird, but at least it's been forced into my emotional lexicon.



weird moment. wanna offer a *hug* myself.... but hesitant in the knowledge that we've only met on lj

thinking simultaneously "would this weird her out considering how little we know each other" and "dude, she's got bigger stuff on her mind right now"


so um.... if it would be ok... *hug*

during my senior year in college a professor I'd had during my freshman year... this history prof that everyone thought was _so_ kewl... went in for what was supposed to be routine heart surgery over one of the breaks..... and never woke up. No one outside of his family had even known he was going in for surgery it had been considered such a little thing.

We all came back after break and there were these leaflets tacked up to just about every wall telling everyone a basic overview of what had happened and when the memorial service was.

The weirdest moment was a day later at lunch... sort of discussing the situation (mostly talking about our class schedule and where the memorial fell along that) with a friend and another friend, Jesse, said "What are you guys talking about?"

We suddenly realized something we'd become so used to we didn't think anymore. Jesse is blind. Most of the campus was in so much shock over what had happened... we'd read the leaflets on the wall and then not talk about it much. Everyone knew everyone else had read the same leaflets. (We'd look at each other and just say, "You saw it too?") That day, it seemed some people were just begining to thaw.

No one had told Jesse. For over a day the entire campus in which he lived had known about this and no one had thought to say anything to him.

It was very weird.

i have only met maria_futura on LJ too - but i am certainly comfortable giving and receiving e-hugs. Thanks. :)

That is incredibly, incredibly weird.

Tiffany and I saw one of Everyone's Favorite Profs from the religion dep't Friday morning... he had no idea what had happened either - and it was extra weird because like all tragedies, time grinds to a snail's pace and it seems like whatever happened was so long ago that there was nothing before it. It was like... how can you not know this yet? (I don't know what *his* excuse was!)

thanks... :) ::hug::