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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels
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September 2009
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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels [userpic]

God, why did I decide not to let anyone in?

Is this a cycle? I don't want it to be a cycle! I want it to stop!

Always faithful. Utterly hopeless. Worked up over nothing? can you *be* worked up over nothing?

In 3 days - less than 72 hours - I will be headed home for Easter, for the celebration of resurrection and life. It just doesn't seem possible.

If I just disappeared, how long would it take them to call home?


Don't disappear.
You have an amazing sense of faith, incredible musical talent, and a beautiful form of self-expression where so many people just rant about their day-to-day.
You've been fantastic since I met you in middle school and never failed to make me laugh.

Try to smile, Ruthan :)

Trying to smile when all I want to do is scream and kick things is what's gotten me into this mess. I don't think I could right now if I wanted to anyway.

I'll let you know if I ever see that girl you remember. Hell, I won't let her out of my sight until I've figured out what made her tick. I don't remember. I can hardly even believe she existed.

i'd miss you pretty darn fast! rediscover the wonder of Easter as a child- forget all that theology crap and love the story. :)
all my love.

Great. Going home where they still think I'm a more grown-up version of the person I was when I was 12. Chocolate bunnies. Fabulous.

I'm ready to tear the lie off; I can't breathe in here. But I can't find my claws and I am so afraid of what I might find on the other side. Looking through it distorts my view as much as it distorts everyone's view of me.

And you'll see me in half an hour and I'll look fine.

you will look fine, or you think you'll look fine? there is a fine line (no pun intended) between self perception and the way others precieve you. do you really look like you precieve yourself? or are you more readable than you think? just questions to ponder.
by childhood i was refering to the wonder of Easter, not the chocolate. but i'm sure you know that.

well, i dunno... did i look fine?

i think i have to believe i'm hard to read because the alternative is that everyone *does* know when i'm miserable but doesn't care, or at least doesn't show it. :P

One definitely can be worked up over nothing. Don't question your feelings. It's enough to have to deal with them; you don't need to be questioning the validity of them at the same time.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I'm sort of in a rut now myself, but trying to remedy that.
Remember that if you ever want or need to talk to somebody about this stuff you can IM me, or better yet email me. My email is the same as my MSN s/n. I've moved into an apartment and we don't have internet access just yet, so the only times I get to be online are when I come home for the weekend.

Take care, my dear.

i think i was unclear - i meant 'being worked up over nothing' is a ridiculous idea, because if there was nothing to be worked up about, you wouldn't be worked up, would you?

things are better, and i realized this afternoon that i think i've really already made my decision - at least, i'm thinking like i've already made it. (the difficulty is how to break it to people.)