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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels
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September 2009
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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels [userpic]
i <3 katrina

Session Start (AIM - Alphasqix:(Kat)): Sun Feb 08 20:50:24 2004
[20.50.28] AlphasQix: Hey...
[20.50.45] (Kat): hiya!
[20.50.49] AlphasQix: sup?
[20.51.00] (Kat): not much
[20.51.02] (Kat): you?
[20.51.09] AlphasQix: emm... this and that.
[20.51.13] AlphasQix: are you busy?
[20.51.26] (Kat): not really
[20.51.29] (Kat): sort of but not really
[20.51.31] (Kat): you?
[20.51.32] (Kat): why
[20.51.34] (Kat): ?
[20.51.40] AlphasQix: can i talk your ear off for a minute?
[20.51.51] (Kat): please do!
[20.52.19] AlphasQix: hehe... ;)
[20.53.18] AlphasQix: i don't know whether i want to march again this summer. on the one hand, it's my last chance, and ... well, i kinda do. but on the other hand... last summer sucked. i was miserable half the time and i felt like no matter how hard i tried i wasn't good enough and i was holding the corps back.
[20.53.26] AlphasQix: and i don't know what to do. :/
[20.53.40] (Kat): tell me when i can talk
[20.53.43] AlphasQix: i didn't go to camp in december or january and i can't go this weekend because i have to run the opera.
[20.53.50] AlphasQix: you can talk anytime you like ;)
[20.54.23] AlphasQix: i'll probably keep thinking of things to add (the problem seemed a lot bigger when it was still in my head) but i seem to be done for the moment...
[20.55.03] (Kat): i think you were great
[20.55.10] (Kat): you did not hold the corps back
[20.56.00] AlphasQix: i think i must have been, like, the tickingest vet in the history of drum corps. :p couldn't concentrate...
[20.56.16] (Kat): do you know why
[20.56.31] AlphasQix: not for certain...
[20.58.50] AlphasQix: couldn't relax except at laundry and free days :p was always about to be late to somewhere...
[20.59.12] (Kat): ah
[20.59.24] AlphasQix: i don't know. ::bangs head on desk:: ...
[21.00.44] (Kat): hmm
[21.00.57] (Kat): do you want to march, if you don't get stressed?
[21.01.17] AlphasQix: yes.
[21.01.30] AlphasQix: but i'm ALREADY stressed, 'cos i feel like i'm behind.
[21.01.33] (Kat): now the painful part
[21.01.42] (Kat): did you talk to anyone in the office? is there a spot?
[21.01.49] AlphasQix: i sent in my contract.
[21.02.24] (Kat): that's good
[21.02.32] AlphasQix: ;)
[21.02.57] AlphasQix: also, i would feel like a moron for backing out of contract.
[21.03.15] AlphasQix: but if there's someone who would do a better job than i would - it's probably just as well. :p
[21.03.34] (Kat): no no dont' say that
[21.03.46] AlphasQix: ::tries to think positive thoughts::
[21.04.03] (Kat): oh man..... you made my summer good
[21.04.18] AlphasQix: :)
[21.04.35] (Kat): you always had calming words for me
[21.04.41] AlphasQix: ::hug::
[21.04.42] AlphasQix: thanks.
[21.05.08] (Kat): no seriously
[21.05.12] (Kat): it was good
[21.05.21] AlphasQix: i believe you.
[21.05.32] AlphasQix: i'm glad you said it. :)
[21.05.53] AlphasQix: you remind me that there are reasons to march other than 'because i like it'.
[21.06.07] (Kat): i felt accepted by you more than anyone else a lot of times
[21.06.57] AlphasQix: it's all about the love, i guess... ;)
[21.07.18] (Kat): :-D
[21.08.26] AlphasQix: ::takes deep breath::
[21.08.28] AlphasQix: okay.
[21.11.42] AlphasQix: - i have to go let people in now - but thanks for listening and being encouraging :)
[21.12.33] (Kat): no problem
[21.12.37] (Kat): i am here when you need me!
[21.12.43] AlphasQix: :D
[21.12.45] AlphasQix: you rule.
[21.12.47] AlphasQix: i'll ttyl :)


Hey, I think you should listen to Kat re: being good enough and about people loving you. I have no doubt that it's true.

On the other hand, once those concerns are resolved (easier said than done...), do you _want_ to?

When do you have to make the decision by? Because it sounds like something you might want to revisit when you've gotten this panic attack business straightened out.

I felt...kind of like that at Kidsplay last summer. And about being at home. But with my shit sort of straightened around, I liked being at KP over winter break. On the other hand, I still feel pretty useless at home. So is marching something you were prevented from enjoying by anxiety/depression/whatnot, or is it something that triggers a/d/w?

Hmm, it occurs to me that you were perhaps posting this so you'd remember it, and that you weren't actually seeking opinions. But when have I ever passed up an opportunity to offer my opinion?


::laughs aloud::

I need to make the decision sooner rather than later - but not by any specific time (only in enough time that they can find someone to do it over the summer if I decide not to.)

I liked marching two summers ago - I didn't put so much pressure on myself then because I could tell myself "I'm just a plug, nobody expects much from me." (Of course, with the amazing plugs we got this past summer - like Courtney, who learned the whole book in a week - that's hardly an excuse...) Also, the staff situation was kinda crazy last year, which I'm sure didn't help anything.

If I really wanted not to get opinions, I'd have locked it or turned off the comments... ;) I think turning off your comments is a sign you're posting about something that you know you really shouldn't have done, and you don't want to be reminded of it.


There's a girl whose journal I kind of follow in fandom who the other day posted this huge diatribe against the girl she lives with--who, in fact, also has an LJ account. And she said, "Oh, I just wanted to get this off my chest." And was surprised when the girl wrote nas-T comments back. Dude, if you're just writing to get it out...make it private...lock it...group-friends only it. Otherwise, we all know it's just a passive aggressive way to let this other person know how you feel without telling them to their face and to disavow any fallout from it.

I'd tell you not to fret too much about this, but that would be a serious case of what I like to call "potkettleism."