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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels
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September 2009
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thoughts and feels and thoughts and feels [userpic]

Another down day, but no crying. (Yet.) I think I'm just tired. Tired needing more sleep, mostly.

I am seriously thinking of changing my primary instrument from horn to piano. My main internal reason is because I just don't love it anymore. The fire is gone. The love is gone. When I sit down to practice, I never feel like 'What can I get done today?' I just feel like 'Oh, not *again*.' I don't want it. It bothers me, because that dedication was there once, and not even too many months ago. But since I'm looking as hard as I can for it now and finding nothing, I feel like it would be better to part on good terms and hope that not having to stress out about it will bring back some of my determination.
On the other hand, when I play the piano, there's still that mystery and wonder and feeling that I'm doing something really cool and worth doing well, something that I'm doing because it makes the world a little prettier, not just because it's what I've always done and it's what I'm expected to do. (Even though percentage-wise it is more accurate to say that I've always played the piano than the horn.) I sit down to practice and instead of counting down minutes until I can say I've been practicing half an hour and therefore must have gotten something accomplished and so can pack up and go now, the discipline and precision and passion absorbs me and I can sit and play for hours (I have in fact done so.)

Though if my problem is just with having to be pressured with one thing, I'm pretty much screwed.

It does occur to me that this might hose a bit of my scholarship. That's okay, maybe I can finally get some workstudy then. That'd be cool. Or it might not. I'm not entirely sure whether my scholarship is just for being in band (which I would still do) or for being specifically a horn principal. I'd still even be a BME instrumental. Hmm. Must talk to prof Jones, as she has all the answers, even the ones that Cailin doesn't have. ;)

Trees are beautiful covered in ice. A few branches broken, a few inexplicable power surges, but otherwise, not much disastrous.

I had some other things to say, but they have disappeared, as usual. One of them was how much cooler things are when you don't put up a wall between yourself and all the upper grades by looking on them as godlike. (This is especially useful since most of my sanity comes from upperclassmen.)

Sometimes it is good to forget.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Come Sail Away - Styx